beliefs, aspie

I have three questions for you…

1. How many times a day, a week do you find yourself with a big old stressful decision?

2. How many of those decisions are simple and completely straight forward?

3. How many times does it feel like you’re saddled with two crappy choices?

beliefs, aspie

The human brain is fascinating and capable of many feats! It’s also prone to getting stuck. When making decisions, one of those sticking points is the Either Or Trap. You know what I mean, EITHER you do this OR that. Here’s why this is oh so common: your brain gets fixated on your habits of perception – the way you see life, people, situations, and then shuts down to any other options. It’s as if there really are only these two options. This is problematic because you literally can’t see other possibilities so you most likely aren’t going to seek out more solutions and people with opposing perceptions. You then make EITHER this decision OR that decision. 

This can feel oddly good at times, like any habit can, yet you also know the sweet freedom that comes from breaking a bad habit.

How can you avoid the Either Or Trap?

  • Acknowledge the tendency for the TRAP
  • Ask what if these didn’t work…what else…
  • Seek out people who think differently than you 
  • Set a timer – mind dump as many possibilities as you can saying AND
  • Ask what you really want to see –  as in wouldn’t it be GREAT IF…

You can absolutely expand your perception. This expansion cultivates more options that are actually connected to your purpose. You then have the freedom to experiment.

Let’s look at an example to see it in action…

Your child doesn’t like trying new things – change can be tricky for them because it’s such an unknown. Unknown has been code for it’s scary and must be avoided. Yet, you know it would be helpful for them to expand their repertoire. And necessary.

They don’t wanna so they yell, argue, heavily complain, and shut down.

You EITHER:

Start to think it’s not worth all this extreme hassle and pressure so you let it go…

With that, may come it’s all on them – go do what they want to do – fine, whatever.

OR:

You think they have to learn sometime so come hell or high water now is the time!

With that, may come it’s all on them – sink or swim, baby.

It often comes down to extremes.

The Either Or Trap is all about two extremes.

What if there were other options? I assure you there are…

It’s just that in the heat of the moment with your pattern of survival it’s hard to see – literally your brain has defaulted where you can’t see beyond the two extremes.

Let’s look at expanding perception…

  • Define what’s blocking the new experience attempt – what is IT (anxiety, disinterest)
  • Address the specifics – get to the root of fear with AND what else – not the symptom
  • Develop parameters – what will the attempt look like, how long, and debrief plan

Let’s look at potential options…

  • Bust out your calendar together – what are the daily, weekly tasks and activities?
  • How much calendar time builds the skills and attitude you actually want?
  • What do you actually want for them? for you? for siblings? for whole family?
  • Brainstorm topics and situations they know nothing or very little about.
  • Choose a topic or situation to experience for a set period of time – experiment.

Clarity of focus about what you actually desire breeds connection with what you actually want to do. All the doing and trying without connection keeps a cycle of doing and trying. This breeds fatigue, frustration, and eventually forget-it-ness.

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Over the years one question is always asked at the end of every autism workshop Sam and I have been privileged to present. To paraphrase, it goes like this:

The Question:

“Sam this question is for you. We just found out our teenage son has (this part she whispers) Autism. I am unsure whether to tell him, his siblings or anyone else for that matter. What are your thoughts…should we tell?”

Since the question is directed at Sam…all eyes are on him waiting his response. For this reference, the woman asking the question is a composite of all the mothers who’ve asked this of Sam more times than I can count. She stands with tears in her eyes and is truly grappling with the recent diagnosis of Autism yet has hope after hearing Sam talk about growing up on the spectrum. She relates, she hurts and she hopes. So answering this common question takes thought. Samuels response is why I am writing this post. It comes straight from the heart of a young man who understands what autism ‘feels’ like. He is able to offer an insight, perhaps, into her own sons inner workings, workings that the parent has yet to grasp.

So when Sam, on his own, offered up his opinion it seemed appropriate to share with you now as it always seems to sooth the inquiring Moms fears.

The Response:

“Why would you not tell your son of his diagnosis? Believe me, he knows he is wired differently. He already knows he is not like his peers and probably feels like an outcast. It might even be a relief to know he has autism as there will finally be an explanation for most everything he is experiencing such as frustration, social loss and even physical pain. At the very least, he (and you) can begin to face the challenges through treatment(s). The diagnosis of autism isn’t a death sentence. It’s a road map of the brain. Understand the brain and map out a direction. Don’t think of Autism as a weight…think of it as a pair of wings in which to fly. ”

Inevitably, the Mom appears relieved and hugs Sam as if to thank him for permission to let the word, Autism, come into their lives. I know because we started from the same place.

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Employment, Social Security

Asperger Syndrome (AS) is such a recent diagnostic category in the U.S. that most of the individuals who carry it are children or adolescents. We are only now developing a fund of experience that can anticipate and meet schoolchildren’s needs; we know even less about the typical vocational functioning and other needs of adults with AS.

Employment, Social Security

Since most children with AS appear to require some interventions, supports, or modifications to enable them to succeed in school, it seems reasonable to assume that many adults with AS will require at least some supports or special conditions in the workplace.

One of the most common concerns adults report to AANE is work failure.

Although many men and women with AS are succeeding in the workplace, many others have a history of being unable to get and hold on to jobs.

This article is intended to help adults with AS (and the parents, spouses, and mental health professionals who support them) to analyze employability, plan for any reasonable remediation of weaknesses, and identify the characteristics of jobs where adults with AS are most likely to feel comfortable and succeed.

For those adults for whom competitive employment is not an option, we will outline how to seek disability benefits.

In part, we will use what we have learned about how to help children with AS succeed in school, and adapt those insights and techniques to meet the needs of adults in the workplace.

Overview

AS is characterized by three clusters of symptoms or general kinds of difficulties that can directly impact employment:

  • Difficulty processing sensory input (sensory integration).
  • Difficulties understanding social intercourse (theory of mind).
  • Differences in “executive function” (organizational skills) and cognition/information-processing skills, such as difficulty appreciating the “big picture” (“central coherence”).

Just as each cluster of symptoms often necessitates accommodations for a student with AS in school, similar accommodations may determine the difference between comfort and catastrophe on the job for an adult employee with AS. Let’s look at these three areas individually.

Sensory Issues

In the classroom, many children with AS become over-aroused when their senses are flooded by noise, flickering lights, or other triggers. They may feel anxiety or even panic, and react with tantrums. Often they require some accommodations to reduce sensory stimulation, such as sitting at a desk placed against a wall or at some distance from other students. They may wear headphones, or have special permission to leave the classroom to compose themselves in a “safe place,” such as a resource room or the school library.

Workplaces differ greatly in their general sensory load and in their flexibility about worker movement. Obviously, success for AS individuals is more likely in workplaces that are quiet, predictable, and allow frequent brief retreats from social demands, noise, etc.

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At the end of the school year, many high school seniors will begin planning their final stage of transition into higher education. Students will send out an application to their “first choice college,” and then several to their “Plan B colleges.” Each will then wait anxiously to hear back from those schools about their admission. Many questions are considered by students when determining their college of first choice. Does the college have an established academic major the student wants to study? Does the campus size feel right? Is it safe? Do sufficient opportunities for social interaction exist?

transition to college

Most students with ASD consider additional questions.

Many want to know if professors use the most effective strategies for teaching to their unique learning styles, and if the culture of the school truly accepts diversity. Do support services exist that help with social and independent living needs? And if so, do those services cost extra?

CollegeAutismSpectrum.com maintains a list of two-year, four-year, and on-line colleges that provide services specific to students living on the autism spectrum. (The link to that list of colleges is: http://www.collegeautismspectrum.com/collegeprograms.html) The list provides links to the websites of those college program, allowing students and their parents to explore each site in order to find answers to their questions.

I do not endorse the information contained on the webpage. In my review of the site I recognize information I know is outdated (the service fee for Marshall University’s program is no longer correct and the site does not list our university’s summer program, for example). I do, however, endorse the idea of students and their families using the list as a first-step in exploring colleges that might potentially meet their needs.

To prepare for the transition to college I suggest:

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(The following article by Staff Writer, Rene A. Guzman, originally ran in the San Antonio Express-News on November 19th 2018)

It’s been more than a dozen years since Jennifer Allen first learned that her oldest son, Sam, had Asperger Syndrome, now diagnosed as high-functioning autism. And still she remembers how fast her sadness turned to relief.

At last she knew why Sam, who was 10 at the time, always isolated himself from the other kids in class. Why he could never finish a sentence without losing his train of thought. Why despite being bright his grades suffered.

“I knew that I’d be able to understand my son a lot better,” Allen said. “It was a breakthrough.”

SA Gives story on Aspergers101, a San Antonio-based website resource for people with high-functioning austism and asperger syndrome. Jennifer Allen (left) founded the site, inspired by her son Samuel (right), who has been diagnosed with high-functioning autism. (Kin Man Hui/San Antonio Express-News)

It was also the beginning of a mission to help other families identify and understand Asperger’s, with Sam as both guide and inspiration for how to succeed with such a complex and often bewildering neurological condition.

“Eventually we got the hang of how to deal with my autism,” said Sam Allen, now 23 and about to graduate from college with a degree in engineering. “But we decided we wanted to give these other parents the opportunity to get the information that they need in order for their child to cope with their autism. We didn’t want them to be in the same position we were, when we were in the complete dark about autism.”

That’s why mother and son founded Aspergers101, a San Antonio nonprofit dedicated to educating and empowering all lives touched by Asperger’s and high-functioning autism.

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I was inspired to share the story of the ongoing relationship (both struggles and triumphs) of my husband Herb and our son Sam after creating the below series of photos.

Parenting someone diagnosed with High functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome begins as a challenge to the adult who had expectations about who their children would be.

Those expectations may be for their son/daughter to be just like them, or to become the person they never were. But these preconceived notions must be disposed of for the child’s success. This is the case with many families facing the newfound diagnosis of Autism or Asperger Syndrome. The high divorce rate among parents with a diagnosed child is testament to the fact that it can be a great struggle that places strain on all areas of life.

When Sam’s Autism diagnosis was revealed to Herb and I some 14 years ago it was raw, new, and life changing to say the least. Our first-born Samuel was struggling in elementary school and until that point we didn’t know why. The Autism/Asperger fact sheet described each misunderstood challenge Sam was displaying and this allowed us insight into creating better communication with our son.

Herb Allen (l) enjoys his sons (Sam) humor.

Herb is a man’s man.

His rugged good looks and “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality would not seem a sensitive fit toward parenting a son such as Sam. Sam is unique. But not even Sam knew how he fit in to the world around him, much less how to blossom under a father like Herb.

Once the shock of the word “Autism” wore off, it was time to learn how our son saw the world. I immersed myself into this new and foreign reality. We hung close to those on the same path and chose Sam over society and its demands of conforming to social expectations. In other words, we chose Sam.

Choosing to venture into unknown obsessions (i.e. trains, science, planetary systems, Pokémon, and weather to name a few) gave Herb and his son a common bond. This certainly isn’t a popular decision. You realize this when neighbors, family members, and society in general are taking their kids to soccer games, parties, sporting events, and social clubs without even looking your way.

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In 2013, to fulfill the requirements of my doctoral degree, I surveyed disability service professionals at 578 degree-granting, four-year public institutions of higher education. The survey was designed to determine the current readiness of higher education to support the academic, social and communication, and independent living needs of college students diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder. 230 colleges participated in the survey.

The survey was designed around the Benchmarks of Effective Supports for College Students with Asperger’s Disorder, a checklist of efforts determined by experts as integral to effective college supports for this student population.

The 2012 study demonstrated college students with Asperger’s Disorder required specialized supports, and that disability services available traditionally on campus to this population were generally ineffective. The 2013 nation-wide survey explored, in part, whether or not colleges had specialized supports for this student population outside of traditional disability services.

The first research question addressed academic supports, and asked:

“What is the current state of readiness within higher education to meet the academic needs of college students with Asperger’s Disorder as described in the Benchmarks of Effective Supports for College Students with Asperger’s Disorder?”

The areas of support investigated and the results of the survey follow:

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As a mother of a son with Autism and founder of Aspergers101, I’m approached daily with questions. Some I consult with experts to respond and others, I know from living the role of a parent of a child with special needs.

Recently, the question was asked of me “Can you grow out of having Asperger Syndrome”?

While the answer seemed factually a swift no due to the brain’s wiring and you cannot change that, my response became layered from a very personal view.

Sam is now 23, driving, soon to graduate college and discussions of hopeful independence emerge daily. That one sentence sounds easy at first read but the road has been fraught with hurdles, heartache and sheer illumination into the world of Autism.

Samuel Allen

Sam’s brain is wired uniquely as the frontal lobe doesn’t receive the proper ‘firing’ to understand all forms of communication. Vague innuendos, sarcasm or office politics escape him completely as does the innate sense of social cues and proper attire. Medically speaking it is the fusiform gyrus blocking the signals to social cues and communication that neurotypicals utilize on a daily basis. That medical fact won’t change. So can you grow out of Asperger Syndrome as asked by the parent of a newly diagnosed child? I answer this carefully as I can clearly put myself, all those years ago, in the same frame of mind. What you are really asking is, “Will my child be alright? Will they overcome the bleak future the doctor just pinned on us? Will I be the caregiver always? Will this diagnosis go away? Bottom line: you are searching for hope.

My response to this routine question is: You may not grow out of Asperger Syndrome, but you can grow into it. Think about that and recalibrate your thinking toward your child (or yourself!) and the diagnosis.

While I realized early on that Sam will always be wired uniquely, he is equally gifted where others are not. School, peers and judgemental onlookers may have had their definition of success but I formed my own based on Sam’s perspective and strengths. Yes, behaviors can be learned by therapies and treatments but don’t think this is the rise or fall of a person diagnosed with Autism. In other words, once you teach basic manners such as shaking someones hand (and how to do it properly), looking someone in the eye (if only for a few seconds) and basic social skills (mandatory) then you can focus on what sets them apart.

There is an excellent read from Dr. Gail Saltz titled, The Power of Different. In this book Dr. Saltz delves into the challenges and gifts of those whose brain is wired differently. We asked Dr. Saltz for an overview of her studies and we are please to offer the following video from her clinical findings on the Autistic mind.

Of course there are the on-going challenges you must face head-on. Comorbidities, as mentioned above, are typically what challenge the person with Autism more than the Autism itself.

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Autism or Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurological disorder with a range of conditions characterized by challenges with speech communication, non-verbal communication, social skills, and repetitive behaviors. The word “spectrum” refers to a wide range of differences, challenges, and strength each person with autism has. Studies show that 1 in 88 children will develop autism, and it is the fastest growing disability nationwide. With this statistic, it is important for school officials, doctors, counselor, parents or anyone to fully understand the overall needs of children with autism. Adults with autism make up about 1.7% of the college population with an 80% incompletion rate. The main reason for these numbers is that most colleges, unfortunately, do not understand how to accommodate the needs of students on the spectrum.

Challenges facing those with Autism:

  1. Organization problems: College students on the mild end of the spectrum may tend to misunderstand social and communication cues. When it comes to a student with Autism either living independently or with family, can struggle because it more responsibilities all at once can cause an overload. The duties of managing homework, job, independent living, maintain health, meetups for group projects can all be overwhelming with trying to plan and organize it.
  1. Self-Advocacy: The main shocker for high school to college transition is that it is up to you to convey your needs. In grade school, you parent, teachers, and counselors decided and advocated your educational needs. Once the child becomes a teenager (high school age), they are allowed to sit in their IEP (Individualized Educational Plan), but they do not fully understand their accommodations. Most colleges do not require IEP’S, but they do require the students to understand and advocate for their needs.

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Our son Sam is now 22 years old. Together we have discovered Autism first from a stage of confusion, then diagnosis and ultimately the journey toward understanding and adjustment.  This journey hasn’t been taken by just Sam or me. The education and life-changing decisions included our family of four and those whose chose to remain linked to us either by love or simple curiosity. Autism became us. As we learned to navigate the education system, employment and higher education, we’ve taken you along.

Through our website Aspergers101, together we have reached for stories of enlightenment and searched to navigate our next stage in life. Now at age 22, driving and nearing college graduation, Sam has reached a personal plateau that bares sharing. With an absolute delivery he declared, “Autism does not define me”.  He further went on to explain that up til now, he would introduce himself to educators, peers or the seldom few who initiate conversation as “Hi I am Sam…and I have autism.” He felt he owed them an ‘explanation’ for his social awkwardness, his lack of eye contact or his seemingly bland behavior.

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Spectrum, Autism, Aspergers

Asperger Syndrome is one of several previously separate subtypes of autism that were folded into the single diagnosis autism spectrum disorder (ASD) with the publication of the DSM-5 diagnostic manual in 2013.

Spectrum, Autism, Aspergers

The following behaviors are often associated with Asperger Syndrome. However, they are seldom all present in any one individual and vary widely in degree:

  • limited or inappropriate social interactions
  • “robotic” or repetitive speech
  • challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial    expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills
  • tendency to discuss self rather than othersContinue Reading