I believe the most important basic need is our need to be needed. Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a motivational theory in psychology that explains the five different levels of human needs. He states that a sense of safety and security is our most basic need, aside from food and sleep.
Indeed. Raising a son on the Autism Spectrum, I found this quest began at Sam’s onset with human compatibility. In those early school-age years of sports, and engaging play, only children with similar interests were “invited in” so in finding where he was ‘needed’ took some time. Fast-forward to the 29-year-old adult Sam, his IT skills has most certainly opened the door for employment and fulfilling the basic need of being needed, at least where computers are concerned.
So how does a parent who is seeking a place for their child to engage in the feeling of being needed happen? It takes a nurturing environment, a lot of planning and ultimately a vision for the child’s future to engage. This is a long-term checklist.
Start When They Are Young
In the early school years, try to plan social activities for your child around his or her interests. Go to a train museum and ask others with similar interests to join, find a Lego or Robotics club; pursue horseback riding, swimming or volunteer together at a local animal shelter. When activities are structured and turn-taking (back-and-forth interaction can be modeled) then and children can improve their social skills.
Few on the spectrum are a part of school sports. That is the wiring of Autism. Instead, try to find an activity with an individual component but also social opportunities. Social groups in your community or at your child’s school may be a way for him or her to learn social skills and have these skills modeled for him or her. Provide breaks and down time, but give your child social learning experiences.
As your child grows, so will their specialized interests. It wasn’t until Sam’s Junior year in High School that a computer class was offered (today they are offered at a much younger age) and he was finally able to participate in school and statewide IT competitions.
Forget Sports – Seek Needed Volunteerism
Pets and elderly people are often forgotten by a self-absorbed society. There could not be a more grateful audience and peer group than those alone at an retirement home, nor by our furry friends awaiting volunteers to accompany them at a local shelter. These are great ways to offer your ASD child time away from isolation on the computer day after day and be rewarded with non-judgmental eyes that see only companionship and kindness.
While school-age peers might be spending weekends at parties or sports related events, utilize this open time to find a receptive audience and one that offers gratitude in return. By doing so, your child might feel they are needed every time they are asked when they might return for another visit.
Turning Interests Into Careers
It is while they are still in school that you must look for summer employment for your ASD child. This was so very difficult for me as I knew the bullying or the isolation would continue from school to the workplace for Sam whose social skills were minimal. Looking back, this was a crucial step for Sam’s independence. I had to let go. It was during those Summer months that began Sam feeling needed, albeit bottom of the barrel employment.
Supporting him by listening, helping him hurdle the sensory issues and providing transportation seemed a slow process but gradually, I could see Sam firming his foundation toward future independence. Skills like money management, stepping aside to decompress, and the confidence of being needed were essential toward his growth and acclimation into a neuro-typical society.
A Push Outside Your Comfort Zone
Those diagnosed with Autism love routine. To keep Sam functioning in the early years took a bubble of protectiveness by surrounding him with routine. Routines can provide reassurance and comfort that is true, but it may limit social interaction with other people thus the perpetual cycle of feeling alone and not needed anywhere. In order to overcome restrictive routines, you could plan to:
- gradually introduce change by identifying one new place to go to every week – for example a local shop, meet-up group with similar interests, or even an unfamiliar restaurant.
- focus on places where it is possible to meet new people. In time, you may get to know people you see regularly. For us, this was our church and through work activities.
- practice a few bits of small talk, such as ‘How are you today?’. This may help to reduce your anxiety about making contact with people. While this might be an ice-breaker and began conversation, still today Sam has difficulty beyond the practiced ice-breaker.
- learn a new skill. This can often lead to making new friends. Your local college might run adult education courses in activities such as art, IT, cooking and languages.
On The Job
The ASD working adult may immerse themselves in their job. However, socialization is typically still a challenge. According to my son Samuel, he says his actions are a conundrum of sorts, ” I am lonely for friends but rarely want to put in the effort nor know how to.”
One thing he has learned and blessed to have available to him at his current job is opportunity to meet with fellow employees in off hours. There is a program in which like-minded fellow workers get together monthly for gaming & food. If this is not offered, you may want to suggest this to the employer or ask around for those with similar interests. Sounds small, but for Sam, this is a huge step toward socialization beyond work hours and a feeling of acceptance, socially speaking.
Ending a Conversation
If you are a parent of a child with ASD, this isn’t a new topic but one to revisit for your child’s social toolkit. How to end a conversation, or maybe more importantly, when is the other person through? Here are some signals that someone wants to end a conversation with you.
These may include:
*not asking questions back
*looking around the room
*saying they have something else to do
*arms are folded across their chest
Building Competence
Parents supporting a child with ASD are sometimes so focused on building a sense of safety and acceptance that we can forget that building a sense of competence is just as vital. Sometimes we can lower expectations for the people we support because we are trying to protect them from feeling frustrated or anxious about new demands.
The key to building competence is setting goals that are broken down sufficiently.
The mission of building competence is on-going. In the early years, set a task to paper and as it is done, offer praise. To just verbalize a series of tasks can be daunting so by writing them down and checking off one by one, there is a sense of accomplishment thus building confidence. As we know, Autism doesn’t “go away” nor does this basic mission but it does get easier and the list may get longer as the years go by.
It is important that we have a strong understanding of the skills and abilities of the person we are supporting. Once we know clearly what we want to teach and where our child is at, we can then create a ladder of micro-steps that will get us from their current reality to the next stage of competence. If we work one micro-step at a time, we will have a lot of opportunities to celebrate new mastery, which creates a momentum for competence and feeling of need.
In Conclusion
As we started this blog with the basic need to be needed, we must remind ourselves, as parents, to help our child with ASD navigate and find their placement of need amid a neuro-typical world. Their talents and interests will evolve as they age and we must assist with matching that interest to their place in the world.
There are many steps toward this goal if not micro-steps (some forward and some back) but finding their confidence and nurturing them with an adult wisdom, will set them on the trajectory toward performing the best of their abilities and for ultimately feeling what we all desire, to find our place of being needed.
A graduate of Abilene Christian University, Jennifer had a long career in TV Broadcasting. Upon learning her oldest son Sam had a form of Autism called Asperger’s Syndrome, she left her career and became a full-time mother to both of her sons. Jennifer elicited the participation of her family and together they produced several independent programs including a children’s animated series titled Ameriquest Kids, as well as a documentary and book titled, Coping to Excelling: Solutions for School-age Children Diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism or Aspergers Syndrome. She formed the nonprofit Asperger101 to provide on-going free resources related to ASD at Aspergers101.com and has implemented the Texas Driving with Disability Program and continues to grow the statewide initiative today. She and her husband have recently retired to their property in the Texas Hill Country.
